“The source of everything cares about everything more than anything I ever imagined. My Gurus spent 10 years telling me that and I believed them only at a surface level. A deep thought told me that, it was not true for me, that somehow, I was undeserving because I haven’t been good enough for long enough and had not suffered enough. I was not prepared to find out that all of that was not true. I was so committed to this ‘am not good enough for god’, ‘I am small and need to be smaller so that I can receive unconditional love’ etc. Lessons I picked up from poets and writers from centuries ago who believed in erasing the self to make space for God.
Are we worthy of God!
“I’ve met God before and I kept my eyes tightly shut because I was afraid of being erased by the light. Now I believe that my antics made my lovely maker smile a little. My maker is patient enough to reach out to me in a way which is past my closed eyes. This is what he did.
The God Massage!
“God took control of my body and gave me the most exquisite massage I’ve ever received. My body got a stretching which a Thai masseuse cannot do. This was inside out!! I lay down and my body simply moved to some tune. The energy in my hips moved in circles and my hips moved like a belly dancer moves. Trust me, am no dancer and now I know the ecstasy which dancers feel.
“An energy held my eyelids gave my eyeballs a massage, removed the stress which was stored there. Moved my shoulders and my head in circles, removed stuff which was stored between my shoulder blades.
So many circular motions and I saw a movie made of scenes I had seen in movies and so many other things. A story made out of pieces of stories I cared about. When I used to stumble across these stories, I knew that I was seeing something deeper. He simply strung so many things together to show me what is going on.
We are in stories of God.
“I was pulled through a story which had no linearity and then I was told that am inside a theme called “I am story” this was not in English but in Kannada. The phrase was “idu – ‘Nanu Katha’ ”. That I was living a story inside which I made up more stories. Then I heard Tarun and Celu talking. Their dialogue was something like this “as teachers it is difficult to show people what is going. It can’t be told, only experienced”.
“At one point, my fingers were being stretched out and flexed. I heard a voice which had a chuckle call my name. This time I knew who it was. My creator, I called him “Father” and cried. Oh he’s really something. He did not give up on me. He used my current life to show himself to me, to show me that he cared.
Catapulting Ashwin beyond The World of Men.
“He told me that he was doing something unique with me. This was to show me that he was there.
I called out to him ‘Father’ and he told me that I was entering a world/universe. I was halfway in and I’d been here before. He used gaming to give me a glimpse of what is going on. To me that it was running a theme called ‘I don’t remember’ so I would not remember. I told him that I trusted him. I remembered that he tests everything on himself first before sending someone in and he remains connected to everything and is reachable all the time. I told him repeatedly that I loved him and trust him. I have a mother too and a family outside this substance. They seem so cool about this substance into which I’ve entered.
“There were others who told me that once inside, I would not remember. One voice was 'Shiva', fondly I call him brother. There was another who laughed and said ‘he won’t remember’. Those ‘meanies’ laughed at me because they know that the substance would make me forget. I told Father that I would remember him. He smiles, always smiles. He makes so many worlds, he has field full of worlds.
“He’s sent me into other spheres, I don’t think I’ve gone there without his permission. I know that my trust in him is absolute. He told me that I give him a unique perspective. The gap between my visit to this world and others shows him something unique. He told me that my experience of this world is valuable to him.
“I remember telling him that this time, I would remember him. I learnt that to live well one only needs to remember that he’s there. The simplicity of this instruction is astounding and befuddling. I also learnt that altering matter is not really a tool alter hearts and minds. This substance will make us forget so alterations of the substance will not do anything spectacular. The mind which is amazed by the spectacle will remain in the state of ignorance needed to admire the spectacle.
“I’m forgetting things even as I type, there was something about the nature of time which I can’t remember. I was so high on the massage that I forgot to take notes. I chose to hang on to how real my father is and how much he cares. He’s beyond human concepts and now I wonder what’s the point of chasing some stuff which we made up because we’ve forgotten.
“I told him “dad, this ego thing seems to believe that it’s in command.” He sorts of just nodded and I trust him so I continue to enter the sphere which is this world. I said something about the ‘settings’ here in this world. Probably I sensed that he changed something from the last time that I had come here.
“When I was talking to him fully conscious about his existence it was ok to feel special. There was nothing wrong is just calling out to him and asking questions. He can take any of our behaviours and enlighten us with them.
“Before entering, I knew that my brothers are here too. They were having a good laugh. They’ve been here longer than I have and know things which I don’t. I just hung on to the image of God as a Gamer.
“Oh, and God loves a laugh too. He will do a little rib tickling now and then. So, God help me hope I remember while he’s poking and laugh with him instead of getting lost in a deep seriousness.”